How I Learned to Give Oral Sex the Right Way

OK, so nobody is born a cunning linguist, especially males. We don’t have clits. It’s as simple as that. So, we have to flail around a bit until we find what we think is a winning formula. If we are with the right girl, that girl will give us a thumbs-up or thumbs-down, steering us in the right direction. Other fake pleasure and just make the problem worse (note to those of you that fake orgasms: don’t.). So, I was happy when I didn’t have to go through the embarrassment of trial-and-error while providing oral sex and was, instead, provided a guide when I was 19.

You know all those college e-mails that get sent to you? The ones where someone says that Microsoft is giving away free $$$ to people that are stupid enough to forward the message to 10 people? Come on, you did it. Anyway, I got one of those in my nasty old e-mail account back in college (late 90s) regarding oral sex. It was purportedly written by a woman for male consumption. I, surprisingly, found it here after a Google search. It was posted anonymously in 1994. The link is flush with mid-90s Internet appeal (none) and cookie-cutter blogform (standard Times New Roman font). Any guy that needs a little pick-me-up in the Oral Sex Department ought to read this post. It taught me a lot of things while sitting in my dorm’s computer lab that I didn’t have to learn in the bedroom (aside from trying out some of the tips), making me incredibly horny in the doing. This post was such a good guide that I printed the damn thing out and kept it in a binder along with other cool e-mails that I printed out (in nasty, old ASCII text) for later reference. Of course, after my junior year, I lost the binder, which brought me to searching for it now. The guide was so nice that, after 10 years, I still remembered its title, which brought me to the archive in about 3 seconds on a Google search.

Let’s just get this part out there now: For my money, there is nothing better than eating pussy. I know some girls are self-conscious and blah blah blah, thinking that guys will be grossed out by something or another. Get over it, already. We know that it isn’t the most glamorous-looking thing. We know that it’s in the underpants (or not) all day long. We know you pee there. Et cetera, ad nauseum. So, it smells sweaty and all that. You don’t go down on a girl to please your olfactory nerve (that’s the smelling sense, for those needing the smaller words :)). That’s why we have Victoria’s Secret lotions and perfumes and Pantene Pro-V. We go down on you to get you off. Period. There’s nothing else important about it. Watching a woman buck and heave, moan and pant, all because I’m driving her absolutely crazy could make me cum on its own if I wanted it to be that way. However, I have to get mine after it’s all done, so that doesn’t happen 🙂 When it’s all said and done, the job may not be pretty, but it’s damn fun and gratifying when done right.

Let’s go to a passage, shall we?

Approach her pussy slowly. Women, even more so than men, love to be teased. The inner part of her thigh is her most tender spot. Lick it, kiss it, make designs on it with the tip of your tongue. Come dangerously close to her pussy, then float away. Make her anticipate it.

Now lick the crease where her leg joins her pussy. Nuzzle your face into her bush. Brush your lips over her slit without pressing down on it to further excite her. After you’ve done this to the point where your lady is bucking up from her seat and she’s straining to get more of you closer to her, then put your lips right on top of her slit.

Kiss her, gently, then harder. Now use your tongue to separate her pussy lips and when she opens up, run your tongue up and down between the layers of pussy flesh. Gently spread her legs more with your hands. Everything you do with a woman you’re about to eat must be done gently.

Tongue-fuck her. This feels divine. It also teases the hell out of her because by now she wants some attention given to her clit. Check it out. See if her clit has gotten hard enough to peek out of it’s covering. If so, lick it. If you can’t see it, it might still be waiting for you underneath. So bring your tongue up to the top of her slit and feel for her clit. You may barely experience it’s presence. But even if you can’t feel the tiny pearl, you can make it rise by licking the skin that covers it. Lick hard now and press into her skin.

I may stray from this plan once in awhile for variety or because I’m fucking tired and not thinking straight. However, when I feel that I’m losing my bearings, this is where I go for inspiration and guidance. Women like the buildup. As Jeff Foxworthy (yes, not a sexy segue) says, men are like bottle rockets; women are like diesel engines. They take awhile to get running, but they run for a long, long, LONG time. Getting a woman to the point where she is begging for you to get to business down there or fuck her puts guys in the place mostly all want to be – in control. Once you work her into a frenzy with your tongue, you can pretty much do whatever she’ll tolerate, in the way you want it. Knowing how to give oral sex is one hell of a arrow in your quiver. Failure to have this weapon is kinda like bringing a knife to a gunfight. You don’t stand a chance.

So, what’s the endgame look like? I’m glad you asked. Here’s my guiding philosophy (which works on my wife if done even quasi-correctly):

Gently pull the pussy lips away and flick your tongue against the clit, hood covered or not. Do this quickly. This should cause her legs to shudder. When you sense she’s getting up there toward orgasm, make your lips into an “O” and take the clit into your mouth. Start to suck gently and watch your lady’s face for her reaction. If she can handle it, begin to suck harder. If she digs it, suck even harder. Go with her. If she lifts her pelvis into the air with the tension of her rising orgasm, move with her, don’t fight her. Hang on, and keep your hot mouth on her clit. Don’t let go. That’s what she’ll be saying too: “Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop!”

For me, that’s it. It doesn’t get any better. At this point, she is so incredibly wet that sex feels fucking spectacular and it’s a hell of a romp.

For a slight variation, try this out:

There’s another thing you can do to intensify your woman’s pleasure. You can finger-fuck her while she’s enjoying your clit-licking talents. Before, during or after. She’ll really like it. In addition to the erogenous zones surrounding her clit, a woman has another extremely sensitive area at the roof of her vagina. This is what you rub up against when you’re fucking her. Well, since your cock is pretty far away from your mouth, your fingers will have to do the fucking.

Take two fingers. One is too skinny and three is too wide and therefore can’t get deep enough. Make sure they’re wet so you don’t irritate her skin. Slide them inside, slowly at first, then a little faster. Fuck her with them rhythmically. Speed up only when she does. Listen to her breathing.

My wife digs this, as well. I think she’ll take either way. That said, you have to know your woman to determine which method to use.

Anyway, for those of you thinking that you need a little help in this department, go back to the post and print it out. Read it. Study it. Take control of the situation and give your girl the best experience of her life. She’ll constantly think about those experiences and regularly ask for more. Sound good?

Give ‘er hell.