How I Learned to Give Oral Sex the Right Way

OK, so nobody is born a cunning linguist, especially males. We don’t have clits. It’s as simple as that. So, we have to flail around a bit until we find what we think is a winning formula. If we are with the right girl, that girl will give us a thumbs-up or thumbs-down, steering us in the right direction. Other fake pleasure and just make the problem worse (note to those of you that fake orgasms: don’t.). So, I was happy when I didn’t have to go through the embarrassment of trial-and-error while providing oral sex and was, instead, provided a guide when I was 19.

You know all those college e-mails that get sent to you? The ones where someone says that Microsoft is giving away free $$$ to people that are stupid enough to forward the message to 10 people? Come on, you did it. Anyway, I got one of those in my nasty old e-mail account back in college (late 90s) regarding oral sex. It was purportedly written by a woman for male consumption. I, surprisingly, found it here after a Google search. It was posted anonymously in 1994. The link is flush with mid-90s Internet appeal (none) and cookie-cutter blogform (standard Times New Roman font). Any guy that needs a little pick-me-up in the Oral Sex Department ought to read this post. It taught me a lot of things while sitting in my dorm’s computer lab that I didn’t have to learn in the bedroom (aside from trying out some of the tips), making me incredibly horny in the doing. This post was such a good guide that I printed the damn thing out and kept it in a binder along with other cool e-mails that I printed out (in nasty, old ASCII text) for later reference. Of course, after my junior year, I lost the binder, which brought me to searching for it now. The guide was so nice that, after 10 years, I still remembered its title, which brought me to the archive in about 3 seconds on a Google search.

Let’s just get this part out there now: For my money, there is nothing better than eating pussy. I know some girls are self-conscious and blah blah blah, thinking that guys will be grossed out by something or another. Get over it, already. We know that it isn’t the most glamorous-looking thing. We know that it’s in the underpants (or not) all day long. We know you pee there. Et cetera, ad nauseum. So, it smells sweaty and all that. You don’t go down on a girl to please your olfactory nerve (that’s the smelling sense, for those needing the smaller words :)). That’s why we have Victoria’s Secret lotions and perfumes and Pantene Pro-V. We go down on you to get you off. Period. There’s nothing else important about it. Watching a woman buck and heave, moan and pant, all because I’m driving her absolutely crazy could make me cum on its own if I wanted it to be that way. However, I have to get mine after it’s all done, so that doesn’t happen 🙂 When it’s all said and done, the job may not be pretty, but it’s damn fun and gratifying when done right.

Let’s go to a passage, shall we?

Approach her pussy slowly. Women, even more so than men, love to be teased. The inner part of her thigh is her most tender spot. Lick it, kiss it, make designs on it with the tip of your tongue. Come dangerously close to her pussy, then float away. Make her anticipate it.

Now lick the crease where her leg joins her pussy. Nuzzle your face into her bush. Brush your lips over her slit without pressing down on it to further excite her. After you’ve done this to the point where your lady is bucking up from her seat and she’s straining to get more of you closer to her, then put your lips right on top of her slit.

Kiss her, gently, then harder. Now use your tongue to separate her pussy lips and when she opens up, run your tongue up and down between the layers of pussy flesh. Gently spread her legs more with your hands. Everything you do with a woman you’re about to eat must be done gently.

Tongue-fuck her. This feels divine. It also teases the hell out of her because by now she wants some attention given to her clit. Check it out. See if her clit has gotten hard enough to peek out of it’s covering. If so, lick it. If you can’t see it, it might still be waiting for you underneath. So bring your tongue up to the top of her slit and feel for her clit. You may barely experience it’s presence. But even if you can’t feel the tiny pearl, you can make it rise by licking the skin that covers it. Lick hard now and press into her skin.

I may stray from this plan once in awhile for variety or because I’m fucking tired and not thinking straight. However, when I feel that I’m losing my bearings, this is where I go for inspiration and guidance. Women like the buildup. As Jeff Foxworthy (yes, not a sexy segue) says, men are like bottle rockets; women are like diesel engines. They take awhile to get running, but they run for a long, long, LONG time. Getting a woman to the point where she is begging for you to get to business down there or fuck her puts guys in the place mostly all want to be – in control. Once you work her into a frenzy with your tongue, you can pretty much do whatever she’ll tolerate, in the way you want it. Knowing how to give oral sex is one hell of a arrow in your quiver. Failure to have this weapon is kinda like bringing a knife to a gunfight. You don’t stand a chance.

So, what’s the endgame look like? I’m glad you asked. Here’s my guiding philosophy (which works on my wife if done even quasi-correctly):

Gently pull the pussy lips away and flick your tongue against the clit, hood covered or not. Do this quickly. This should cause her legs to shudder. When you sense she’s getting up there toward orgasm, make your lips into an “O” and take the clit into your mouth. Start to suck gently and watch your lady’s face for her reaction. If she can handle it, begin to suck harder. If she digs it, suck even harder. Go with her. If she lifts her pelvis into the air with the tension of her rising orgasm, move with her, don’t fight her. Hang on, and keep your hot mouth on her clit. Don’t let go. That’s what she’ll be saying too: “Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop!”

For me, that’s it. It doesn’t get any better. At this point, she is so incredibly wet that sex feels fucking spectacular and it’s a hell of a romp.

For a slight variation, try this out:

There’s another thing you can do to intensify your woman’s pleasure. You can finger-fuck her while she’s enjoying your clit-licking talents. Before, during or after. She’ll really like it. In addition to the erogenous zones surrounding her clit, a woman has another extremely sensitive area at the roof of her vagina. This is what you rub up against when you’re fucking her. Well, since your cock is pretty far away from your mouth, your fingers will have to do the fucking.

Take two fingers. One is too skinny and three is too wide and therefore can’t get deep enough. Make sure they’re wet so you don’t irritate her skin. Slide them inside, slowly at first, then a little faster. Fuck her with them rhythmically. Speed up only when she does. Listen to her breathing.

My wife digs this, as well. I think she’ll take either way. That said, you have to know your woman to determine which method to use.

Anyway, for those of you thinking that you need a little help in this department, go back to the post and print it out. Read it. Study it. Take control of the situation and give your girl the best experience of her life. She’ll constantly think about those experiences and regularly ask for more. Sound good?

Give ‘er hell.

Politics and Sex (Not the Way You Think)

I’m taking a risk on this post, being so new at the whole sex-blogging thing. But, what the fuck. Nothing ventured…

I admit it. I’m a HUGE politics buff. To boot, I’m a big Barack Obama supporter. So, the past month and a half have not been pleasant for me. He was kicking all sorts of Clinton ass in February and then hit the skids a bit in March. Then his crazy pastor showed up in the news, then disappeared, then showed up again last week and humanized himself, then went crazy again, then Obama had to show him the door, then…ANYWAY, I got so sick and tired of hearing about his fucking pastor that I don’t even miss my expanded subscription – which included MSNBC, CNN, etc. – to DirecTV. The XM RoadyXT that replaced it works just fine, thanks. I’m a big fan of justice and fairness and all that stuff, so the undue attention (in my opinion) paid to a man that isn’t running for president was all a bit much for me. We’ve all got crazy friends. Heck, the guy I hired as my former assistant manager was a born-again Christian. Let’s just say I’m not. Does that mean that I believe what he does? Nope. End of story.

So, what the FUCK does this have to do with sex? Well, let’s say that I get a little wrapped up in the political atmosphere on election nights. My wife has actually gotten to the point where she plans her little getaways to HER blog on nights the results come trickling in. She knows I’ll either be watching the TV or sitting on the computer (as I am tonight), hoping that Barack pulls it off. What politics does NOT do, however, is get me horny. More specifically, politics that I don’t like doesn’t make me horny. Listening to Hillary Clinton’s latest version of the truth doesn’t give me wood. Not that Obama’s words do, either. However, at least when Barack talks, I’m inspired. It makes me feel good. It makes me want to do good. When Obama loses – and I feel that some of them come after shit-filled lies and senseless pandering – I’m not in a very good mood. This doesn’t bode well for me or my wife.

So, why am I writing this? Well, Barack Obama kicked some ass in North Carolina and came in well better than expected in Indiana. There have been calls for Hillary to step aside…finally…and let Obama take the baton in from here. Will it happen? Probably not. Will it translate to more sex? We’ll see. However, the light is at the end of the tunnel for me and I’m hoping my wife will see the change in my mood soon

Now, drop a few bucks into Obama’s coffers and help him kick some McCain ass.

Not Bad for Day One

Got some sex last night.  Gotta say, it really wasn’t bad at all.  Quite nice, as a matter of fact.  Let’s throw in some details and get to it, huh?

W was very direct and came to bed while I was going to brush my teeth.  She basically insinuated that sex was in the immediate future and began to masturbate.  Not wanting to let that go on too long – she doesn’t get to have all the fun! – I shut off the bathroom light and got to it.  I crawled on to her side of the bed and began caressing her breasts (did I mention they’re BIG?), sucking them as I got into it.  After we were both good and turned on, I threw her left leg over and proceeded to, um, “introduce” my cock to her wet, wet pussy while she laid on her side.  This allowed me to start the fun and hit some spots that I thought hadn’t been hit during our sex sessions in awhile (I’ll need confirmation on this one from the wife) but kept me from getting too deep, which allowed me to stay at it for a little while longer.

As we got further into it, she rolled all the way onto her stomach, allowing me total control over her.  This is where I decided to tease a little bit and slipped my cock out of her, leaving me dangerously close but far enough way to make her want it.  I slipped my hand around and underneath her and began to fondle her wet clit, slowly moving the tip of my penis into her here and there, just giving her enough to want more but all the while building her up to climax.  This started to turn me on to no end, and I could feel myself desperately wanting to come inside of her as her moans got louder and more frequent.  I was rock hard and could already feel the wetness at the tip of my penis as her orgasm began in earnest.  I kept at it with my hand and slowly moved my cock in and out until she came.  Hard.  When all was done, she yelled “Fuck me!”.  I found this to be a rather great idea, and proceeded to grab her hips, pull her up toward me, fuck her doggystyle for what seemed like no time at all (I was horribly aroused and had lasted long enough already – it was time to get it done), and came for the first time in 4 or 5 days.

It felt fucking amazing.

What to take out of this?  My wife and I are resetting the relationship a bit and are trying to make it a little better in the bedroom.  If last night is any foretelling of the future, it’ll be a good reset.

Ideas for the next session: Tongue bath with no masturbation allowed (duration: 5 minutes); stand up and get back kisses while I caress breasts (3 minutes); bend over the bed and spread the legs, allowing me to rub my hard cock on the clit without entering while I grab the hips (2 minutes); W rides me (the rest of the time).

I like it.

Dear, How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Ways…

There isn’t an hour that goes by where I don’t think about sex in one way, shape, or form. For all the talk about 30 being the point in a man’s life where he starts to hit the sex skids, well, I don’t see it. There are some days where I feel 18 again. At least now I know how to fuck a little better than I did then (I was a virgin).

That said, I’m still damn horny sometimes. Most of the time. I just don’t get the chance to act like I used to. Let’s take today, for example. My wife normally cooks on the weekends. A lot. She baked a whole shitload of cookies this afternoon. I was feeling frisky. I could have gone for a good amount of kitchen sex. Every time my wife came up to give me a hug, all I could do was think about her huge boobs pressing up against me and how I’d like to fuck them. Did I mention my new-found affinity for titty fucking? I digress…Anyway, the “daddy” chorus in the backround was (unfortunately) not my wife’s (imaginary) stripper friends calling me in for a foursome. It was my two freakin’ kids wanting milk or cookies or applesauce or the latest episode of “The Wiggles” to be loaded from the TiVo onto the television. Why can’t I just get 5 minutes of kitchen sex? I mean, I might pray for it next Sunday in church. I can’t remember the last time I had kitchen sex. I’m pretty sure, at the time, we were trying to conceive our daughter. That was almost 4 years ago. Wow.

My wife is more adventurous than previous girlfriends in some ways and less so in others. For starters, she’s anti-anal sex. I had a few previous girlfriends that were cool with it and one that I think, in some sordid and private way, really dug it but was afraid to say much about it for fear of her parents finding out or something (yeah, really…her parents were very religious and expected the same from her…but she was TOTALLY the up-the-butt chick). Somehow, I missed that opportunity, probably due to my own sexual naivete at 19…Anyway, in other ways, however, the wife is more adventurous. Sex toys. Mild forms of domination. Role playing. Games. Dirty talk. It turns me on that she is like this and I wish there were more ways that we could act on them. We just never find enough time…

My wife is slowly, I think, coming around on oral sex, as well. She’s not going to be a swallower any day, but that’s OK. She has EXCELLENT lips and good talent. She, however, could use a small amount of work on going the distance and lightening her workload during the act. It feels excellent when she does it, but using some fancy handwork could go a long way toward making life easier on her mouth. Her mouth doesn’t need to do all of the work. Using her hand as an extension of her mouth would work just fine. I also don’t need to finish during oral sex. I just need her to be ready to fuck the hell out of me (or the other way around) when she’s done.

Now, to the positions during sex. I love to stand up to have sex, as I last much longer. Not sure why. I also get tons of leverage this way and feel more in control. Sometimes this works out, often not. Her on top is great, as well, because I get to hold onto those humongous boobs as she rides me. Always a fan. Then, the best for me, doggy-style. I know she’s not a big fan, as it does almost nothing for her, but there is something about grabbing a woman’s hips tight and pummeling my cock deep into her while I look at her ass that just turns me on to no end. I love the whole of it – the feel, the smells, the sounds, her distant moans. My wife’s hips got wider and more prevalent after she had our two kids and they never went back. This was a HUGE plus for me, as her hips were a little narrow when we first got together. Post-babies, she has some physical changes – both positive and negative for me and for her – but this change is certainly one that is positive and incredibly sexy to me. Oh, and the larger boobs. They don’t seem to have totally gone away. Thanks!

What I long for again is a regular fuck. A good, solid one. Crazy it up once in awhile, too. Domination? Sounds good. Dirty talk? Excellent. Threesome? Well, I guess I’m asking too much…unless I’m not Actually, I’m not totally certain if I could do that comfortably, but I’m a guy, so I have to think that’s cool…

Bring on the good sex…again…

Beer, Sex, and Sleep

This is my life.  Really, it is.  A full-time job,  a long commute, a wife, and two small kids and I’m basically a robot for a good chunk of the year.

The problem?  The sex.  It doesn’t come (no pun intended) nearly as often as the other three.  I’m at least assured of food and sleep every day.  The beer is 15 steps away.  None of them put up a fuss.  However, the kids don’t sleep when they should and one has stopped napping, leaving my wife – let’s call her “W” – and I without an afternoon tryst to rely on for the weekend romp.  Crap.

What I hope to achieve with this blog: Catharsis.  Therapy.  An outlet that isn’t my wife.  I find myself often hoping for more out of my sex life but the timing never works.  Or we fight.  Or we just don’t click.  Or something.  Being married can be tough if you have kids but want to keep the relationship together.  Call me crazy.

What I love about my wife: Her smile, her good-natured laugh and sexy looks, her breasts (yes, yes, yes), her legs, how good she is in the sack, her cooking (dear LORD…I’m lucky), and her increasingly-kinky sex style.  I’m getting wood just thinking about it.  Really.

I hope that this blog will be read by husbands and boyfriends out there that just need to relate.  I hope that my wife will read it to get a few things out of it that she wouldn’t get out of me in a face-to-face conversation due to discomfort.  Yes, there are things that just don’t come out right when speaking to my wife.  Perhaps I’m not that great at communication after all.  Maybe it’s just the spoken word where I’m not as convincing.  After all, a former girlfriend became most attracted to me over e-mail.  I guess I’m just better at writing.  She said I “typed her pants off”.  Damn, I’m good…

So, here’s to a new way of communicating and getting things off my chest.  Welcome to the blog…