A Woman’s Guide to Giving Oral Sex – Part 3, “Practice”

So, let’s recap what we’ve learned up to this point:

1. Men like to look at things – boobs, ass, pussy, and those things moving while we do dirty things with you.  Oh, and we like to watch you suck our cocks.
2. We like sexy attitude and the feeling that you want it as bad as we do.
3. The penis is a complex organ.
4. There is more to the penis than meets the eye.
5. The tongue is the most important part of the female anatomy…after boobs, of course :

Now that we’ve learned a bit about the male penis, it’s time to see what you can do to it, using the advice and information that I’ve provided in the two previous posts.

The tactics of giving a great blow job are relatively easy on their own, but synchronizing the movements in a way that is mind-blowing is probably the single largest impediment to most women’s success. Let’s look at the basic tactics that should be used in a blow job and then we’ll wrap them all up pretty when we get to the end, shall we?

There are a number of general tactics involved in a blow job. Here are the ones I can think of:

1. The tease
2. Preparation of the penis (stroking, licking, ice, etc.)
3. The insertion
4. Creating the vacuum
5. Down the pipe
6. Rhythmic motion
7. Using your hands as partners-in-crime
8. Things that don’t rhyme with “Venus”, for $200
9. Going the distance
10. Spit, swallow, or jerk-me-off good

As you can probably tell, this goes from start to finish and will cover the actual blow job itself.  I’ll toss in some tips or variants that might help you out a bit here.  However, let’s go down the items and talk about each one, shall we?  I won’t tell you what to do in each one, but give you an idea about what to expect from each part.  I’ll wrap it up with a scenario that will tie it all up in one place.

The tease.

Guys want and need to be horny to really enjoy a blow job.  In all truth, we need to be horny for you to enjoy it.  If we’re not, that’s more work for you, meaning some of that good ol’ fashioned lockjaw.  This should probably start out at the beginning of the day by putting some sexy underwear on under the business attire, leaving us a note, shaving your legs, putting on the sexy lipstick, etc.  This will make us think of sex all day long at work, meaning we’ll be DYING to put the kids to bed when we get home just to ravage you.  As I referenced before, your taking care of us will likely help us take care of you.  This means some pretty killer oral sex (guys – click here) for you.  All told, the tease is excellent preparation if you want to give him a great blow job and minimize your workload.  I mean, if you were about to go on a jog, doesn’t stretching out make it a better run?  Preparation is key, and preparing a guy’s mind means making him think about sex.  A lot.  I actually suggest this game to prepare the hell out of, well, anyone.  Especially dudes like me.

Preparation of the penis.

This should be obvious, but sometimes it isn’t.  This is where you go past the tease and start to play with my cock.  Be gentle, slide your hand down my pants…or take off my underwear slowly while kissing my stomach and hips…SHIT, another erection…anyway, you get the point.  Let me feel that sexy, smooth skin of yours touch my cock and wait for it to stand at attention.  If it takes a short while, use a little tongue or, if you can handle it, put your fingers in your wet pussy and rub that on me for a little while.  I’m obviously going to love it.  If you don’t want to do that (and I suggest you do), use a little tongue and lips…but don’t suck much.  Just enough to get me hard.  Start…stop…start again…OK.  Good to go.

The insertion.

Once I’m good to go, start to take me as far into your mouth as you can handle.  If you are able to open up your throat, do this.  This allows me to feel your entire tongue and mouth against my cock.  It’s wet and warm and reminds me of sex.  Period.  Begin to close your mouth around my cock and press your tongue against it.  Remember to breathe and relax.  This is probably where girls that can’t deep throat go wrong.  Too worried about gagging…and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Creating the vacuum.

Here you should make sure your mouth is sealed over my cock, then begin to pull your mouth muscles inward and create a vacuum.  Things brings the membranes in your mouth, along with your tongue, completely around my cock, making me feel the whole thing.  Remember – the more you touch, the better.  Stimulation is key…unless it’s around the penis head.  Then it kinda, um, sucks.

Also, keep in mind that as you close your mouth and create the vacuum, your teeth may close a bit, too.  This is OK as long as they don’t scrape much.  Teeth are actually much less of a problem to me the farther you go down my shaft.  So, I suppose if you can keep the teeth away until it’s all the way in, you’re OK.  Let the teeth rest a bit and just be conscious not to drag them later.

Down the pipe.

Once the suction is created and your lips, tongue, and mouth are all around my cock, take me further into your mouth or throat – as far as it will go.  This will signal to me what I should expect and will allow me to adjust my breathing accordingly.  Guys loved getting blow jobs…but also have a manly streak in them that makes us want to last at least a little while…but not too long.  So, if you’re going to be taking a lot of me into your mouth, I’ll want to think about, well, anything except sex (baseball, grocery store, Margaret Thatcher) to allow me to last as long as possible as I know it’s not going to be long before it’s all over.  I don’t want to be the oral-sex equivalent of the two-pump chump.  If you can’t take me in too far, I am free to think about sex a little more because I am not avoiding the thought and am actually wrapped up in what I’m doing.  You can get me thinking about baseball again by adding hand strokes, but more on that in a bit.

Rhythmic motion.

Make the blow job feel as much like sex as you can – wet, tight, and rhythmic.  With oral sex, on an evolutionary level, you’re probably just trying to trick my cock and brain into thinking I’m having sex.  And, on that level, it works.  So, make it feel like sex.  You don’t need to suck very hard – after all, your pussy doesn’t create a vacuum…I hope – but lack of any suction leads to exhaustion and more lockjaw, so strike a balance between making me yawn and me wondering if my penis head is going to pop off before it’s all over.  Bob up and down/back and forth while trying to maintain a rather constant feeling over the duration.  Obviously, be aware of what your partner is saying/moaning so that you can adjust accordingly.  Also, try to make it as comfortable on yourself as you can.  The longer you’re there, the better chance we have of coming 🙂

Using your hands as partners-in-crime.

This can be used by girls that deep-throat but is very important for those that don’t.  Like that old, Canadian sex lady says, use your hand as an extension of your mouth if your mouth isn’t available.  Just make sure that the part where you use your hand is good and wet.  I don’t want a wet blow job and a dry hand job.  That’s weird.

Anyway, you see this technique in porn a lot.  If you don’t believe me, go watch some.  I suggest Jenna Jameson.  I saw some of her older stuff (mid-90s) and she was a pro.  It essentially involves you placing a firm-yet-soft grip (with your good hand) on the base of my cock and putting your mouth on the rest.  As you move out, move your hand with it.  This will get your hand wet and allow you to move back toward the base again as you move forward.  This is pseudo-deep-throating and is the 2nd best thing in that department.  I wouldn’t try two hands, either.  It’s a cock, not a Double Cheeseburger.  Both hands will make it look like you’re eating it…but maybe that’s just me.  That other hand should be used elsewhere.  Speaking of which…

Things that don’t rhyme with “Venus”, for $200.

Remember, the more we feel, the better.  If you’re using one hand to hold onto my hips and the other to stroke my cock during the blow job, both hands are taken.  However, if you’re deep-throating, get the free hand out and use it for one of three things:

1. Pressing softly but deliberately against my perineum (under the balls, toward the asshole).  Press gently into the skin so you’re rubbing against the penis extended and move your fingers (2 or 3) back and forth along a 1-2″ area at the same rate you’re moving up and down my shaft.
2. Gently tugging on my scrotum (not the balls directly, that hurts).  The soft hands and edgy touch is hot.
3. Pushing a small object a short distance up my asshole.  Remember this pushes against the prostate.  If you move it slowly back and forth in rhythm, you’re fine.  I would not suggest that you do this if I’m standing, however.  That takes too much balance on your part and my ass will be clenched when I stand up.  I should be sitting on the edge of something or fucking your mouth.  If I’m fucking your mouth, you have both hands free, giving you all kinds of possibilities.

All told, do something that adds to it.

Going the distance.

Blow jobs take practice as the muscles build.  Expect the first few to be a bit uncomfortable.  However, with a little bit of practice, you’ll be fine.  You can practice on your own time (kinda like masturbation), as well.  Have fun with that 🙂  If you want to learn how to deep throat, I imagine it’s not much different than bonging /funneling beer.  The first try takes a leap of faith – opening your throat and allow that rush of beer was tough the first time.  However, you learn how to do it without yakking it all back up rather quickly (perfectly good beer, dammit!).  I’ve found that breathing properly was the issue.  So, perhaps practice by bonging a few beers?  I’m sure there’s a frat house around somewhere.  If not, a funnel and clear PVC tubing is probably available at Home Depot…

More seriously, though, blow jobs take muscle, technique, practice, patience, and perseverance.  Over time, you’ll be able to go the distance – which will grow steadily shorter as you gain skill and confidence – without much issue and you’ll have a very, very happy man starting back at you, waiting for you to remove your panties so that he can return the favor 🙂

Spit, swallow, or jerk-me-off good.

This is an area of the blow job where you hear a bunch of high-school kids banter about which girls suck it all down and which don’t.  Honestly, I think that swallowing is pretty hot…for the 3 seconds that I’m coming and she’s swallowing it.  After that, it doesn’t fucking matter.  Hell, before that it doesn’t fucking matter.  So, if I can handle a small amount of disappointment – no, a few seconds of decreased elation – I’ll let you pick your poison.  My wife jerks me off when I’m done and that’s perfectly OK by me.  Really, I think that spitting isn’t worth it at all.  You have to get up and run to the sink or toilet, which isn’t hot at all.  So, stop altogether and jerk me off or swallow it.  Either way, I’m good.

Stay tuned for the scenario.  I just ran outta gas tonight.  Enjoy!!!

Has Anyone Tried Out the Guide Yet?

Just fishing. I’d like to know if anyone has used the (incomplete) guide yet and fumble-fucked their way to a good one. I’m about 1/3 done with the last part and will post, likely, tomorrow. In the meantime, enjoy!

A Woman’s Guide to Giving Oral Sex – Part 2, “Male Parts Explained”

It’s Father’s Day, so what a day to post something like this!!! Being a father, well, it’s MY day, dammit. How about a blow job? 🙂

Anyway, back to the important stuff. Thursday’s post explored the man’s mind, what pleases it, and how it connects to his cock. Remember the main lessons from the post:

1. Men are visual creatures and love the mental photography of getting head. Anything you do should first be geared toward this fact.
2. Like what you’re doing. It turns us on and makes us want to do something dirty to you.
3. Don’t make us feel like we should go to sleep. That isn’t cool…especially when lips are attached to our cocks.

Men are visual creatures. Say that 5 times in a row and commit it to memory. After that’s done, find your significant other and read the rest of this post 🙂

How you give a good blow job actually depends on your man – more precisely, on his cock: its length, its girth, and whether he’s circumcised or not – but the basic principles are the same. I will approach each of the principles from different perspectives to address the greatest audience, but I’m sure I’ll miss someone. If you have a direct question, contact me directly in the comments and I’ll answer it in the best way I can.

Alright, there are 5 basic areas where you need to concentrate your attention:

1. The penis head
2. The shaft
3. The balls and perineum
4. The ass and asshole
5. The hips

In this part, we’re going to talk about the parts of the cock and tactics you should use to maximize the stimulation of those parts. In the next part, we’ll talk about giving the actual blow job and some “accessories” you might use to assist you where you come up short. Anyway, let’s start with #1 and work down, shall we?

The penis head can be both a blessing a curse to the man. Personally, I’m circumcised. So, the head of my penis is going to feel very different during a blow job than another man’s penis – which is uncircumcised – will during the same. It basically comes down to how sensitive the head is. For instance, my cock spends the entire day in either boxer shorts or boxer briefs, often heading over to the gym during my lunch break or sitting at home blogging. Either way, any daily movements I make are done with my penis head moving back and forth with the head rubbing against the underwear at a semi-constant rate. This has a callousing effect, which makes it less sensitive and, thus, a less-attractive target during oral sex. In all honesty, spending minutes sucking on and licking the head of my cock does little to excite me unless the attitude comes with it, which means that my imagination is doing more for me than your mouth is at the time you are attached to it. However, this is just me, and I’m circumcised. Now, I would expect that, if you have a significant other that is not circumcised, this is not totally the case. If my penis head spent a significant amount of time hidden in foreskin, the callousing effect would not be there, making my penis head more sensitive. This could be good…or bad. The reason I say that it could be bad is that the part of my penis head that is sensitive is so in a way that nipples are sensitive when you aren’t horny – it feels like someone attached a jumper cable to the outer 1/4 of your little toe. Not comfy. So, it’s possible that your uncircumcised significant other could like your playing with the head of this cock…or not. If you’re going to do it, play gently, using lots of tongue and don’t suck too hard. This should be the location of gentle foreplay before the game begins. But, as I said, it can be a very sensitive area. As far as the head goes, ASK. Please, for your sake and his. Playing with this part of the cock the right way…or the wrong way…and set the tone for the rest of the blow job.

On to the shaft. The cock shaft is the bread & butter of the American blow job (and probably that of other countries, as well). It is this part of my cock, at least, where the money is made. Now, what happens to this part of the cock depends greatly on the size of your significant other. I can speak from the perspective of the average, Euro-American male because my cock weighs in somewhere near the average male at about 6″ in erect length. Not sure on the girth, but I think I’m OK there, as well. All told, I’m probably an average guy. So, as luck would have it, most of my cock will fit rather nicely into the mouth of the average female, and the enterprising young lady that can deep throat one will offer me the privilege of putting my entire penis inside her mouth. This isn’t necessary for a good…or even great…blow job, but those that can do it have a leg up on the rest. The reason is this: the nerve endings that provide the catalyst for orgasm are, in my estimation, about 70% located along the shaft of the cock. This is where you should spend your time. When you put your man’s cock in your mouth during oral sex, this is where your tongue rests. The more surface area you can touch with your tongue, the better. Since your tongue extends well into your throat, the best way to do this is to deep-throat his cock, giving him maximum contact with your tongue. So, during your blow job, you need to make doubly sure that, regardless of what else you do, you take care of #1 – in this case, the bottom side of his cock shaft. This is where you will get the most kudos, as this is where most of the sensitive (in the good way) nerves are on his cock. If you can’t deep throat (damn), that’s OK. You’ll just have to make up for it in other ways (that’s in Part 3). So, deep throat if you can. If you can’t, you’ll just have to work extra hard on the part that you can put into your mouth and do what you can with the rest. If you’re halfway talented or even a bit creative, the inability to deep-throat your partner will not be an impediment to your sex life. I promise. Regardless of all of this, the point is that the bottom of your man’s shaft is the most important part of his cock if you’re performing oral sex. This fact should penetrate deep into your cranium and be one you recite in a drunken stupor at a staff party at Christmas. When you’re blowing your hot co-worker at the end of the party after 10 Tom & Jerrys, let that be the only coherent thought in your head. OK?

Now, onto #3: the balls and perineum. These are one area where my wife actually opened my eyes a bit, though I’d been partially introduced back in college. A man’s balls, in and of themselves, are not terribly linked to anything sexual outside of purely reproductive acts. However, the sack that holds them – the scrotum – is made of soft, supple, and sensitive skin that is more than happy to accept gentle, yet not-so-gentle tugs and strokes from your hands during the blow job. This brings me to an epiphany that I will call Big Mac’s First Rule:

The more things you touch during oral sex, the better.

If your mouth is on my cock with tongue, slathered up against the bottom of the shaft, and you have your hand slowly but deliberately stroking and tugging on my sack, I’m going to get a little more out of it that if you had only your mouth on my cock. Follow me? I’ve had a blow job in my life where the actual sucking part of it was not all that great – I don’t think she got more than halfway down my shaft. However, she was all over my sack with both hands like it was her job. Not kidding. Touching my sack and tugging on it lightly but deliberately made up for her lack of talent in the area of the penis itself. She compensated well. So, touching, caressing, stroking, and tugging on the scrotum with a light but deliberate motion will make most men enjoy the blow job even more. I’ll go into exactly how to do this when we get to action in Part 3. For now, you need to know what feels good and where to spend your time. Remember: the more stuff you touch, the better.

That brings me to the perineum, which I added as part of the balls for the reason of proximity. The perineum – also called the “taint” (“it ‘taint yer balls and it ‘taint yer ass) by many college guys (and others that are still, mentally, in college) – is a fancy name for the area between your balls and your asshole. However, if you put your fingers under there to see what it really is, you’ll find that it’s just an extension of your man’s penis. We would call it part of the prostate. Regardless of what you call it, however, that part of a man is, as I said, part of the penis. I don’t care that it’s near my asshole. If you can feel it during a blow job, you’ll notice that it’s erect, just like the rest of my cock. Touch it and hear me laugh a bit, as I know you’ve just hit a small jackpot. If you slowly but deliberately stroke that part, expect your job to get a little bit easier. If you can mix this in with stroking my balls and deep-throating, you just became my new best friend with benefits. However, very few women will be able to pull that off (it takes a lot of coordination), so any combination is good. My point here is that the cock doesn’t end at the pubic bone – it ends well inside of us, inside and above the asshole, which brings me to Point #4…

The ass and asshole. Many girls don’t want to go anywhere near this one…nor do many guys. And, to be honest, I really haven’t gone there, either. Men don’t want to feel like they’re gay and girls think that guys poop more heinous stuff than they do, so this area gets little play. However, if anyone’s ever seen the movie “Road Trip” or has had to leave a sperm sample and read the form that asks “how did you provide your sample: masturbation or prostate massage?”, you know what I’m talking about. As I said in the prior paragraph, a man’s cock essentially goes from the head, down the shaft, under and past the balls, on to the asshole, then makes a turn above the asshole and into wherever the hell it goes. All told, what you see is maybe 1/3 of the entire organ. So, if you can do something to stimulate an area that isn’t readily apparent to you, you’ll make the blow job even better. A man’s prostate is very sensitive and that is probably the reason that he can achieve orgasm with anal stimulation (and probably the reason why gay man enjoy it). However, the physical stimulation should be good for heterosexual men, as well…if they can get past the gay thing. I would think that a woman stimulating your asshole would mean you aren’t gay, but whatever. I get it. It’s a guy thing. For a man to get off on this area, however, takes a leap of faith on the woman’s and man’s part: she has to stick something slightly up her man’s ass. We’re not talking 4″ up his ass. We’re talking maybe an inch or two…and we’re probably not talking a dildo, either. That’s where the gay thing comes in. If fingers aren’t kosher, try anal beads or something. Either way, the pressure against and stroking of the prostate will accelerate orgasm and make life easier on you. I promise.

The last point is about the hips. The hips, in and of themselves, are not sexual in terms of nerves and feeling. However, if you get yourself into a position and start giving us a blow job, using our hips as your grip and leverage point makes it hot. I certainly like it. It takes me back to the attitude thing. It shows me that you know what you’re doing, you’re in charge, and that you’re taking care to get it right. Hold on to my hips (even if only with one hand), get the rhythm going, and go to town. Simple as that. It’s just an attitude thing for me.

Anyway, that’s about it for tonight. More on the next part – Part 3 – that will go over tactics of an actual blow job, along with an example. Perhaps I’ll even have my wife perform as part of the experiment. Cheer her on 🙂

Good night, everyone…

A Woman’s Guide to Giving Oral Sex – Part I, “What Men Want”

Alright, so someone asked for this from me and I’ve decided to give it the old college try. I’ve read a few of these in the past (the most recent on About.com) but most of them like a lawnmower assembly manual and make it sound as if, once the man is erect, you need to turn to Page 3 and read the English-language half of the page to learn what to do with your tongue. I think it needs to be a little more fun to read so that you remember it. If there’s anything I’ve learned in my career, it’s that using silly examples and stories often help you remember what to do when the pressure’s on 🙂

Now, during the last 24 hours I’ve realized that oral sex is a pretty big subject if you don’t just want a plain-old how-to manual. I’ve decided to break it up into a few different parts, approaching it more holistically. This is partially so that I have time to think about it and don’t rush into an entire guide in one night (I don’t get the kids to bed until at least 8:00P) and partially so I take a more comprehensive approach. Here goes!

A little personal background. In my lifetime, I have slept with 18 girls/women. I lost my virginity at 19 years old in my dorm room after watching the Pink Floyd laser show at the downtown planetarium. The last woman in the queue is my wife, whom I met at age 24. So, quick math…carry the two…move the decimal…Alright, that’s about 3.4 girls per year for almost exactly 5 years. All told, the point is that I’m not speaking from one or two experiences, but a small amount more than that 🙂 I’m also the one-time winner of a (virtual…) blow-job contest during a theatrical performance – long story involving being one of maybe three heterosexual guys in a comedy club on a Friday night (the gay show) in Chicago…and some gay porn mag centerfold…but I digress. I won, dammit! That makes me an expert.

Enough of that. As the title says, what do men want? The short answer: sex. The long answer: A little more than just sex. Really. We’re just not as simple as you think.

Women (my wife included) seem to think that men think about sex 24/7 – come on, honey…no more than 22/6 – and that we are all just walking penises that need something to hump hourly. I’d say you’re about half right here. Humping your ex- gets a little old after awhile, though, making us move on to something more fun. It is not at all true, however, that guys just need someplace warm and moist to park their penises in order to be happy. If that were true, all sex – oral and otherwise – would be the same. After all, women do not vary all that much in size, as do men (in terms of sexual organs and mouths). Therefore, all guys should get the same pleasure out of each fuck or blow job, right? They don’t. Why not? Her approach to the whole episode. The same girl can be great one night and lousy the next. It’s the same girl, same pussy/mouth, different day. One leaves you quite satisfied, the other wanting. This brings me to Ingredient #1 in The Recipe for Excellent Oral Sex…

Attitude.

Sorry, but it matters. I don’t want you to suck my dick. I want you to want to suck my dick…and then suck it. As I said before, warm and moist just isn’t enough to make it great. Since we’re looking for great oral sex, it all starts with the right mindset. You could probably fake this, to a point, but most guys with an IQ in the triple-digits will pick up your faking it and not enjoy themselves as much.

A good episode would start with a long build-up – perhaps a good amount of touching at inopportune times (kids still around, etc.) in opportune places, long kisses followed by nothing, sexy glances. In short, you tease the hell out of us. This is where you get sex on our brains and it doesn’t leave. We’re now thinking about the nasty, nasty things we want to do to you when the kids finally hit the fuckin’ sack…and we’re erect and waiting. All told, you’ve shown us that you want to get to it with us and you’ve got it lodged in our brains that this is what you want. On to Ingredient #2…

Positioning and Control.

This can actually cut a few different ways. You can put yourself in a position of total submission to us or you can put us in a position of total submission. Or you can oblige us in some #69. Whatever you choose, make it so that one of you is in total control of the task at hand (in #69 you both have a task). My take is that I want you to suck my cock and do it the way I like it (without assistance) or I essentially want to dictate the terms to you by tying you up and fucking your mouth. I suggest that you try both for variety and to see what works best for you.

Remember this: men are visual creatures. We want the picture of oral sex seared into our brains for the next week at work. I may not remember how it felt by Thursday, but I’ll certainly get hard over the thought of my wife going to town on my cock while I’m poring through spreadsheets at work. This can be achieved in either of the scenarios in the previous paragraph. In the end, I can always think back to what I saw – myself lording over my wife as she quietly tells me “fuck my mouth” while I feed her my cock…or looking down at her while she gently places it into her mouth, begins sucking, and looks up at me to see the look on my face (which is one of sheer joy and elation, by the way). The sheer thought of it makes me want it right now, which proves my case. I’m actually typing with an erection. No joke.

One word of caution – and I’m not likely alone here – but lying me down on the bed and giving me a blowjob while my head lay on a pillow is a recipe for lockjaw. Yes, you may get an orgasm out of me (this is where the warm and moist come in), but I’m not going to remember it nearly as well. Why? Two reasons: 1) No visual (I’m staring at the ceiling) and 2) I’m thinking of sleep. Again, with enough work, you could probably jar me out of it and get an orgasm, but do you want the lockjaw? I didn’t think so.

So, three suggested positions for giving oral sex:

1) Edge of a couch, chair, bed, countertop, etc., with legs hanging over the edge and balls freely exposed. This position is probably best if you want to get done quickly. With my balls hanging freely, my cock has maximum exposure and the air feels good on it, especially as you breathe while teasing. This position also gives you a fair range of motion, allows you to do as you please, and will let you use your hand AND support yourself with the other. I can watch you do it (the visual), you can take as much of me as possible into your mouth with little interference from a bed or balls, and I don’t feel like sleeping. This also likely gives you the greatest degree of control…and is my favorite of the three positions.

2) Standing up with you on your knees. In my experience, this position has served one of two purposes: 1) girl is a pro and really gets to it, leaving me with shaking knees and a stupid look on my face in 30 seconds, or 2) preparation for rough sex. If she pulls my pants off and can’t even bother to get back up, it means that she can’t wait and absolutely needs cock right now in any way she can get it (see: Attitude). If this is the chosen position, I’m probably OK with either scenario – sex or blow job – as the blow job with me standing can take awhile, even if done really well. This might not be the case with all guys, but for me it’s a blood-flow thing. I’m using other muscles below the waist if I’m standing and the erection isn’t the only thing on the menu for my body. However, this position allows the best visual, gives us the idea that we’re in control (even if we aren’t), and really gets us turned on for something, sex or not. In terms of pure oral sex, this would come in third of the three I write about here, but comes in above lying-down oral sex. In terms of preparation for sex, however, it can’t be beaten.

3) Domination. This is one that I only recently discovered, thanks to my wife (God, I love her… 🙂 ). A few weeks back, I decided to surprise my wife with a belt and a tie and decided to bind her to the bedposts. She offered herself to me and obliged when I told her to suck my cock as I kneeled over her. The feeling of control is overwhelming and goes straight to the primal core of a male, getting the testosterone flowing. The position didn’t look terribly comfortable to her – she had to strain a bit – but I could tell that, once she got going, it wasn’t going to take long. The combination of control, the extra testosterone, and the exposed feeling – the position of my cock and balls are roughly the same as they are when I sit at the edge of the bed – were wonderful as her full, soft lips and tongue wrapped themselves around my cock. The second time we did this, she actually said “fuck my mouth”. I obliged and it felt great. She tossed in some attitude, which made it even hotter. Both times I had to pull out after about 30 seconds to keep from hitting the Point of No Return, as I wanted to go down on her (another control thing) and fuck her brains out. So, that position is certainly a good one. It takes a certain amount of trust and faith on the woman’s part, but this one comes in #2 for me. The only thing keeping it from #1 is that I have to work a little harder to keep my cock off of her teeth. The angles don’t work out too well and I have to guide myself with my hand, which takes a little bit away from it. However, all told, it’s a very good position and I’m a fan.

Tune in next time for a post on tactics…

Oral Sex, from My Perspective

I have a sports blog on Blogger and, I have to say, WordPress is superior. I’m thinking of moving the sports blog over here. It’s just easier to find your own stats, see who’s linking to you, etc. I’m noticing, through my stats, that I’m getting A LOT of hits on the how-to guide to oral sex that I read back when I was literally a freshman, sitting in my residence hall’s computer lab on an October day. And, I have to say, I don’t blame those who click on the link. It really was instructive to me and probably will be to many, many husbands and boyfriends out there…who are directed to the site by their girlfriends or wives (judging by the comments to the post 🙂 ).

Here’s been my driving philosophy on oral sex: Most guys, honestly, just don’t listen or learn much from sexual experience. Most guys want theirs and don’t want to expend the effort to please someone else. This is probably evolutionary…and probably why guys, when done having sex, just pass out. It’s not in our nature to stay awake and take care of the woman. On the contrary, a woman cums and stays awake (usually) until the guy is done…and then passes out. In the end, regardless, the guy finishes. So, males get close to a 100% success rate during sex – in terms of orgasms – while women enjoy a much less favorable cum-to-sexual-activity percentage.

And, really, it makes sense. It’s in a male’s most basic nature to want to fuck, but it isn’t necessarily in our nature to please. I mean, really. I’m going to use a very not-sexy analogy here, but it’s relevant. Think about any farm that contains mammals – cows, sheep, etc. If you are a farmer and trying to raise cattle, how many males do you keep on the farm? 3? 4? How many cows? 50? 75? Males will fuck all of them happily, half in one day, if he can. The cows expect nothing in return for pregnancy. The males just move along to the next female, hoping for the next orgasm. This is the product of the human-left-brain equivalent in bovine species propagation. The left brain in humans is the logical side of the brain and is the one most linked to survival and sustainability. Less-intelligent species’ entire brains are analogous to the human left brain, meaning they exist simple to eat, multiply, and die. So, mammals that are less intelligent as a whole are more likely to just fuck and be done with it, no emotion involved. Simple, right?

The problem here is that the more-intelligent species – ie: humans – have a more-evolved brain. Human brains are split in half – half is the logic-and-survival half, half is emotive and associative. This is where humans and other species of mammals diverge. Humans still have the self-sustaining and multiplying drive, which is where the male tendency to fuck and sleep comes in. However, they also have the emotive drive, which leads them to do things like fall in love, empathize with others in need, etc.

Being a male exemplifies the differences in the two sides of the brain like nothing else I’ve ever seen. You have a strong desire to fuck but also a strong desire to care for someone else. However, the problem comes when you get an erection. It’s often said that males have two heads and enough blood to run one at a time. I’m guessing this is half right. When your cock gets hard, your more-primal senses are taking over, making you want to multiply. You aren’t much thinking with the right side of your brain at this point, which is why men often are very crass and selfish around this time. It’s hormonal. We have a goal and intend to meet it (sex). That rush of testosterone makes you think of nothing else besides sex. Now, the minute sex is over, the endorphine rush from the orgasm quickly gets swept away, leaving you exhausted and ready for bed…and your significant other wanting.

This is where humans can outperform their less-intelligent mammal friends. The right side of the brain, if you allow it, can take over and make you want to make someone else feel good, as well. Remember, the right side of the brain is the emotive and associative side. It allows you to feel another’s pain, predict another’s emotions, or share another’s pleasures. This right-brain impulse is there, if you let it drive you for only a few minutes after or before sex…and your woman will thank you many times over. You help her fulfill her hormonal impulses. You help her reach her selfish desires. In essence, you’re giving her exactly what you want. How do you get there? Well, I suggest a read through the guide, if you have time. However, if you’re just too lazy to read through it (and you really have to be lazy), here are the basic components of oral sex:

1. Foreplay
2. The tease
3. Fingers
4. The hood
5. The clit
6. The tongue
7. Suction
8. Rhythm
9. More teasing
10. The finish

If you can get it so that you make her want it, give it to her on your pace, use a little suction (and this will require some practice – the jaw muscles need to be built up), and rub that tongue all over her hood and clit at a rhythmic but deliberate pace, you’re golden. She will love you not only because you just gave her one hell of an orgasm, but because you took the time to learn how to do it correctly.

Now, I’ve known all of this for over 10 years and haven’t shared it with too many people…mainly because I was competing for the same women as them 🙂 Why they hell would I telegraph my next move and give up an advantage? I would have a weapon they didn’t even know existed. Hitler didn’t know Britain had ground-based radar in the late 1930s…and her majesty’s air corps destroyed a good chunk of the Luftwaffe as it attempted the cross-channel bombing. I can hear Hermann Goering now saying “how the FUCK did they know we were coming?” When you’ve found the secret, you don’t say a fucking word until it’s all done. I’m married, so the game is kind of up 🙂

Remember: Women are emotive creatures. You can’t rely on physical pleasure alone to please them. Even the most nymphomaniacal women still want attention paid to them, even if it does come in the bedroom. Penis alone isn’t going to do it, as they all know you’re satisfying yourself, too. Throw down some tongue, learn how to do it right, and wait for your woman to start anticipating sex just a little more.

Enjoy 🙂

Twice in an Hour

You get the idea. However, this doesn’t happen very often for us. For starters, we’re both near 30 (I actually AM 30), we have 2 kids, both of us work, and both get up at 5:30 in the morning on weekdays to go to work. Beyond that, my wife is actually one of those women who, after she cums, wants to hit the sack (kinda like a guy). She’s not a big fan of the multiple orgasm, I guess (seriously…I don’t get it – as a guy, you only DREAM of such things).

Well, that wasn’t exactly the case this evening. Tonight, my wife and I were in a good, horny mood. The kids FINALLY hit the sack and she came out to fold some clothes. Then, she and I exchanged the look. It was on…in the family room. Now, I’m a big fan of couch sex. We’re a little more constricted in our movements, which brings us closer to each other…and brings my wife’s huge boobs right in front of me. That was the story tonight. She came over to me, straddled me on the couch, and shoved her boobs (about DD or so, maybe a little smaller) right in my face so I could bury my lips and tongue between them. I did this happily. I proceeded to remove her top and then got to it on her nipples. This clearly pleased her, as I started hearing the moans coming from her.

Now, for the fun part. After some nipple play, she proceeded to untie my shorts, pull them down, and start giving me a blow job. This felt quite nice but, to her, it was simply a precursor to what came next – riding me. I’d been waiting for this for about 2 hours at this point, so the anticipation was killing me. She pulled off her shorts, exposing her warm, wet pussy. She lowered herself onto me, letting me feel the entire, encompassing warmth inside of her and then began her work. This felt INCREDIBLE to me as she really started in. The problem? I’d been thinking about sex for 2 hours and, well, it didn’t take me long. She was clearly disappointed but I was done. She, instead brought in the “relief pitcher” (the vibrating, 6″ dildo she just purchased) from the bedroom, came back out to the couch, laid up against me, and began to fuck herself with the dildo while I fingered her wet clit. She, in not much time, got her orgasm and came quite loudly. Didn’t wake up the kids, so that was positive…

We ended up going to bed, as she had to get up early today. She said that I owed her a back massage for my finishing so early. Usually, she is out cold within 3 minutes of the beginning of my massage. However, this time, she decided she wanted another round of sex (unheard of after a massage, by the way). So, instead of going to sleep, she rolled over and began stroking my cock, after which I got hard rather quickly. I moved my hand down between her legs and checked to see if she was ready for more. Turns out that she was 🙂 She indicated that she was ready for Round 2.

So, we started in quickly this time. I climbed on top of her, teasing her with my cock as I waited for her to get even wetter. I then entered her slowly, then with a quick thrust that made her scream just a bit. This brought me deep inside of her. I followed with a few quick, deep thrusts than made her want more…then I stopped and pulled out. I proceeded to bathe her with my tongue, starting with her breasts and then moving down past her stomach. I brought her legs up so that her feet were up by her shoulders and proceeded to cover the backs and insides of her legs with my tongue. I brought my tongue up close to her clit…but stopped…and moved back up to enter her with my cock. I brought the head close so that I could barely feel it. At this point, she was essentially whining for more, as if she got to the counter and found that her favorite pair of shoes just sold out to the customer before her. I knew it was time to get to it.

I started in at a frantic pace, thrusting hard and deep. She loved it as I worked up faster and faster. I brought her legs up by her head so that I could penetrate deeper and press up against her clit. As I did this, she starting panting harder and asking me to fuck her harder. I thrust in as far and deep as I could as her moans turned into yells, saying “fuck me HARD, fuck…me…HARD!” This went on for another minute or so as I kept thrusting my cock into her wet pussy. Finally, I could feel it building up inside of me as I hit the final stretch. I thrusted harder and faster until I came loudly and over her yells released everything I had left inside of me. It felt quite heavenly and was an excellent coda to a sex-focused evening.

When all was finished, she and I were both tired and exhausted (yes, they can be different) and hit the hay, both falling asleep within 2 minutes…just the way I thought we would when we first crawled into bed.

…and who said surprises couldn’t be INCREDIBLY fun…

How I Learned to Give Oral Sex the Right Way

OK, so nobody is born a cunning linguist, especially males. We don’t have clits. It’s as simple as that. So, we have to flail around a bit until we find what we think is a winning formula. If we are with the right girl, that girl will give us a thumbs-up or thumbs-down, steering us in the right direction. Other fake pleasure and just make the problem worse (note to those of you that fake orgasms: don’t.). So, I was happy when I didn’t have to go through the embarrassment of trial-and-error while providing oral sex and was, instead, provided a guide when I was 19.

You know all those college e-mails that get sent to you? The ones where someone says that Microsoft is giving away free $$$ to people that are stupid enough to forward the message to 10 people? Come on, you did it. Anyway, I got one of those in my nasty old e-mail account back in college (late 90s) regarding oral sex. It was purportedly written by a woman for male consumption. I, surprisingly, found it here after a Google search. It was posted anonymously in 1994. The link is flush with mid-90s Internet appeal (none) and cookie-cutter blogform (standard Times New Roman font). Any guy that needs a little pick-me-up in the Oral Sex Department ought to read this post. It taught me a lot of things while sitting in my dorm’s computer lab that I didn’t have to learn in the bedroom (aside from trying out some of the tips), making me incredibly horny in the doing. This post was such a good guide that I printed the damn thing out and kept it in a binder along with other cool e-mails that I printed out (in nasty, old ASCII text) for later reference. Of course, after my junior year, I lost the binder, which brought me to searching for it now. The guide was so nice that, after 10 years, I still remembered its title, which brought me to the archive in about 3 seconds on a Google search.

Let’s just get this part out there now: For my money, there is nothing better than eating pussy. I know some girls are self-conscious and blah blah blah, thinking that guys will be grossed out by something or another. Get over it, already. We know that it isn’t the most glamorous-looking thing. We know that it’s in the underpants (or not) all day long. We know you pee there. Et cetera, ad nauseum. So, it smells sweaty and all that. You don’t go down on a girl to please your olfactory nerve (that’s the smelling sense, for those needing the smaller words :)). That’s why we have Victoria’s Secret lotions and perfumes and Pantene Pro-V. We go down on you to get you off. Period. There’s nothing else important about it. Watching a woman buck and heave, moan and pant, all because I’m driving her absolutely crazy could make me cum on its own if I wanted it to be that way. However, I have to get mine after it’s all done, so that doesn’t happen 🙂 When it’s all said and done, the job may not be pretty, but it’s damn fun and gratifying when done right.

Let’s go to a passage, shall we?

Approach her pussy slowly. Women, even more so than men, love to be teased. The inner part of her thigh is her most tender spot. Lick it, kiss it, make designs on it with the tip of your tongue. Come dangerously close to her pussy, then float away. Make her anticipate it.

Now lick the crease where her leg joins her pussy. Nuzzle your face into her bush. Brush your lips over her slit without pressing down on it to further excite her. After you’ve done this to the point where your lady is bucking up from her seat and she’s straining to get more of you closer to her, then put your lips right on top of her slit.

Kiss her, gently, then harder. Now use your tongue to separate her pussy lips and when she opens up, run your tongue up and down between the layers of pussy flesh. Gently spread her legs more with your hands. Everything you do with a woman you’re about to eat must be done gently.

Tongue-fuck her. This feels divine. It also teases the hell out of her because by now she wants some attention given to her clit. Check it out. See if her clit has gotten hard enough to peek out of it’s covering. If so, lick it. If you can’t see it, it might still be waiting for you underneath. So bring your tongue up to the top of her slit and feel for her clit. You may barely experience it’s presence. But even if you can’t feel the tiny pearl, you can make it rise by licking the skin that covers it. Lick hard now and press into her skin.

I may stray from this plan once in awhile for variety or because I’m fucking tired and not thinking straight. However, when I feel that I’m losing my bearings, this is where I go for inspiration and guidance. Women like the buildup. As Jeff Foxworthy (yes, not a sexy segue) says, men are like bottle rockets; women are like diesel engines. They take awhile to get running, but they run for a long, long, LONG time. Getting a woman to the point where she is begging for you to get to business down there or fuck her puts guys in the place mostly all want to be – in control. Once you work her into a frenzy with your tongue, you can pretty much do whatever she’ll tolerate, in the way you want it. Knowing how to give oral sex is one hell of a arrow in your quiver. Failure to have this weapon is kinda like bringing a knife to a gunfight. You don’t stand a chance.

So, what’s the endgame look like? I’m glad you asked. Here’s my guiding philosophy (which works on my wife if done even quasi-correctly):

Gently pull the pussy lips away and flick your tongue against the clit, hood covered or not. Do this quickly. This should cause her legs to shudder. When you sense she’s getting up there toward orgasm, make your lips into an “O” and take the clit into your mouth. Start to suck gently and watch your lady’s face for her reaction. If she can handle it, begin to suck harder. If she digs it, suck even harder. Go with her. If she lifts her pelvis into the air with the tension of her rising orgasm, move with her, don’t fight her. Hang on, and keep your hot mouth on her clit. Don’t let go. That’s what she’ll be saying too: “Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop!”

For me, that’s it. It doesn’t get any better. At this point, she is so incredibly wet that sex feels fucking spectacular and it’s a hell of a romp.

For a slight variation, try this out:

There’s another thing you can do to intensify your woman’s pleasure. You can finger-fuck her while she’s enjoying your clit-licking talents. Before, during or after. She’ll really like it. In addition to the erogenous zones surrounding her clit, a woman has another extremely sensitive area at the roof of her vagina. This is what you rub up against when you’re fucking her. Well, since your cock is pretty far away from your mouth, your fingers will have to do the fucking.

Take two fingers. One is too skinny and three is too wide and therefore can’t get deep enough. Make sure they’re wet so you don’t irritate her skin. Slide them inside, slowly at first, then a little faster. Fuck her with them rhythmically. Speed up only when she does. Listen to her breathing.

My wife digs this, as well. I think she’ll take either way. That said, you have to know your woman to determine which method to use.

Anyway, for those of you thinking that you need a little help in this department, go back to the post and print it out. Read it. Study it. Take control of the situation and give your girl the best experience of her life. She’ll constantly think about those experiences and regularly ask for more. Sound good?

Give ‘er hell.