A Woman’s Guide to Giving Oral Sex – Part I, “What Men Want”

Alright, so someone asked for this from me and I’ve decided to give it the old college try. I’ve read a few of these in the past (the most recent on About.com) but most of them like a lawnmower assembly manual and make it sound as if, once the man is erect, you need to turn to Page 3 and read the English-language half of the page to learn what to do with your tongue. I think it needs to be a little more fun to read so that you remember it. If there’s anything I’ve learned in my career, it’s that using silly examples and stories often help you remember what to do when the pressure’s on

Now, during the last 24 hours I’ve realized that oral sex is a pretty big subject if you don’t just want a plain-old how-to manual. I’ve decided to break it up into a few different parts, approaching it more holistically. This is partially so that I have time to think about it and don’t rush into an entire guide in one night (I don’t get the kids to bed until at least 8:00P) and partially so I take a more comprehensive approach. Here goes!

A little personal background. In my lifetime, I have slept with 18 girls/women. I lost my virginity at 19 years old in my dorm room after watching the Pink Floyd laser show at the downtown planetarium. The last woman in the queue is my wife, whom I met at age 24. So, quick math…carry the two…move the decimal…Alright, that’s about 3.4 girls per year for almost exactly 5 years. All told, the point is that I’m not speaking from one or two experiences, but a small amount more than that I’m also the one-time winner of a (virtual…) blow-job contest during a theatrical performance – long story involving being one of maybe three heterosexual guys in a comedy club on a Friday night (the gay show) in Chicago…and some gay porn mag centerfold…but I digress. I won, dammit! That makes me an expert.

Enough of that. As the title says, what do men want? The short answer: sex. The long answer: A little more than just sex. Really. We’re just not as simple as you think.

Women (my wife included) seem to think that men think about sex 24/7 – come on, honey…no more than 22/6 – and that we are all just walking penises that need something to hump hourly. I’d say you’re about half right here. Humping your ex- gets a little old after awhile, though, making us move on to something more fun. It is not at all true, however, that guys just need someplace warm and moist to park their penises in order to be happy. If that were true, all sex – oral and otherwise – would be the same. After all, women do not vary all that much in size, as do men (in terms of sexual organs and mouths). Therefore, all guys should get the same pleasure out of each fuck or blow job, right? They don’t. Why not? Her approach to the whole episode. The same girl can be great one night and lousy the next. It’s the same girl, same pussy/mouth, different day. One leaves you quite satisfied, the other wanting. This brings me to Ingredient #1 in The Recipe for Excellent Oral Sex…

Attitude.

Sorry, but it matters. I don’t want you to suck my dick. I want you to want to suck my dick…and then suck it. As I said before, warm and moist just isn’t enough to make it great. Since we’re looking for great oral sex, it all starts with the right mindset. You could probably fake this, to a point, but most guys with an IQ in the triple-digits will pick up your faking it and not enjoy themselves as much.

A good episode would start with a long build-up – perhaps a good amount of touching at inopportune times (kids still around, etc.) in opportune places, long kisses followed by nothing, sexy glances. In short, you tease the hell out of us. This is where you get sex on our brains and it doesn’t leave. We’re now thinking about the nasty, nasty things we want to do to you when the kids finally hit the fuckin’ sack…and we’re erect and waiting. All told, you’ve shown us that you want to get to it with us and you’ve got it lodged in our brains that this is what you want. On to Ingredient #2…

Positioning and Control.

This can actually cut a few different ways. You can put yourself in a position of total submission to us or you can put us in a position of total submission. Or you can oblige us in some #69. Whatever you choose, make it so that one of you is in total control of the task at hand (in #69 you both have a task). My take is that I want you to suck my cock and do it the way I like it (without assistance) or I essentially want to dictate the terms to you by tying you up and fucking your mouth. I suggest that you try both for variety and to see what works best for you.

Remember this: men are visual creatures. We want the picture of oral sex seared into our brains for the next week at work. I may not remember how it felt by Thursday, but I’ll certainly get hard over the thought of my wife going to town on my cock while I’m poring through spreadsheets at work. This can be achieved in either of the scenarios in the previous paragraph. In the end, I can always think back to what I saw – myself lording over my wife as she quietly tells me “fuck my mouth” while I feed her my cock…or looking down at her while she gently places it into her mouth, begins sucking, and looks up at me to see the look on my face (which is one of sheer joy and elation, by the way). The sheer thought of it makes me want it right now, which proves my case. I’m actually typing with an erection. No joke.

One word of caution – and I’m not likely alone here – but lying me down on the bed and giving me a blowjob while my head lay on a pillow is a recipe for lockjaw. Yes, you may get an orgasm out of me (this is where the warm and moist come in), but I’m not going to remember it nearly as well. Why? Two reasons: 1) No visual (I’m staring at the ceiling) and 2) I’m thinking of sleep. Again, with enough work, you could probably jar me out of it and get an orgasm, but do you want the lockjaw? I didn’t think so.

So, three suggested positions for giving oral sex:

1) Edge of a couch, chair, bed, countertop, etc., with legs hanging over the edge and balls freely exposed. This position is probably best if you want to get done quickly. With my balls hanging freely, my cock has maximum exposure and the air feels good on it, especially as you breathe while teasing. This position also gives you a fair range of motion, allows you to do as you please, and will let you use your hand AND support yourself with the other. I can watch you do it (the visual), you can take as much of me as possible into your mouth with little interference from a bed or balls, and I don’t feel like sleeping. This also likely gives you the greatest degree of control…and is my favorite of the three positions.

2) Standing up with you on your knees. In my experience, this position has served one of two purposes: 1) girl is a pro and really gets to it, leaving me with shaking knees and a stupid look on my face in 30 seconds, or 2) preparation for rough sex. If she pulls my pants off and can’t even bother to get back up, it means that she can’t wait and absolutely needs cock right now in any way she can get it (see: Attitude). If this is the chosen position, I’m probably OK with either scenario – sex or blow job – as the blow job with me standing can take awhile, even if done really well. This might not be the case with all guys, but for me it’s a blood-flow thing. I’m using other muscles below the waist if I’m standing and the erection isn’t the only thing on the menu for my body. However, this position allows the best visual, gives us the idea that we’re in control (even if we aren’t), and really gets us turned on for something, sex or not. In terms of pure oral sex, this would come in third of the three I write about here, but comes in above lying-down oral sex. In terms of preparation for sex, however, it can’t be beaten.

3) Domination. This is one that I only recently discovered, thanks to my wife (God, I love her… ). A few weeks back, I decided to surprise my wife with a belt and a tie and decided to bind her to the bedposts. She offered herself to me and obliged when I told her to suck my cock as I kneeled over her. The feeling of control is overwhelming and goes straight to the primal core of a male, getting the testosterone flowing. The position didn’t look terribly comfortable to her – she had to strain a bit – but I could tell that, once she got going, it wasn’t going to take long. The combination of control, the extra testosterone, and the exposed feeling – the position of my cock and balls are roughly the same as they are when I sit at the edge of the bed – were wonderful as her full, soft lips and tongue wrapped themselves around my cock. The second time we did this, she actually said “fuck my mouth”. I obliged and it felt great. She tossed in some attitude, which made it even hotter. Both times I had to pull out after about 30 seconds to keep from hitting the Point of No Return, as I wanted to go down on her (another control thing) and fuck her brains out. So, that position is certainly a good one. It takes a certain amount of trust and faith on the woman’s part, but this one comes in #2 for me. The only thing keeping it from #1 is that I have to work a little harder to keep my cock off of her teeth. The angles don’t work out too well and I have to guide myself with my hand, which takes a little bit away from it. However, all told, it’s a very good position and I’m a fan.

Tune in next time for a post on tactics…